As a man, I’ll be the first to admit that oftentimes, we like to think that we know women more than we actually do. Whether it be some boys insisting that girls are ‘into me’ because they smiled courteously at the bar or others labeling girls as ‘over-reactive’, ‘dramatic’, or ‘emotional’ for expressing any signs of discomfort in social settings, our ignorance as men is unparalleled. No matter how much we claim to ‘know’ about women, the truth is that our preconceived notions could not be any further from the truth of what women actually endure daily.
In the last twelve months, I have had various eye-opening experiences as to what it means to be a young woman in 2023. When I think back to my semester abroad in Seville, Spain, I remember the times when my girlfriend Magnolia was stared at, cat-called, and even followed by men. Consoling a teary-eyed, frightened girlfriend subject to harassment was not something I had ever done, and it was terrifying to see the love of my life as upset as she was. What hurt me even more, however, was that this wasn’t the first or last time that something like this happened to her. “It happens to everyone Kyle”, she told me. “You’re only noticing it now because it happened to your girlfriend”.
“No matter how much we claim to ‘know’ about women, the truth is that our preconceived notions could not be any further from the truth of what women actually endure daily.“
Later that night, and many times thereafter, Magnolia and I had hour-long conversations about the non-stop harassment and fear that men have imposed on women. I then began to notice it more and more. One night, I got a frantic phone call from a friend, hysterically crying for help because somebody was following her home from the metro station down the street. Another night, some girls in our friend group told the story of a weird older man at the club who kept trying to dance with them. The more and more I paid attention, the more prevalent this harassment became.
Since returning to the United States and the UMass-Amherst campus, this trend continued. Two girls from the co-ed high school varsity soccer team I coached pulled me aside after practice one day to tell me that one of the boys was staring excessively and making them feel uncomfortable. Another night, I witnessed some drunk guy throw an empty beer can at a girl, telling her “Hold this”. On other occasions, I’ve seen the energy of friend groups deflate like balloons when certain sketchy individuals show up. Recently, Lucy informed me that she and her roommates share and constantly check each other’s locations because “You never know what’s going to happen”.
Over the last twelve months, through all the fake smiles, forced kindness, and incredible strength and patience exhibited by the young women in my life, I’ve begun to wonder how we as a society have accepted this as the status quo. What would it take to change the way we as men view, understand, and help women?
“Too many good men who do not contribute to the problem have done worse by not contributing to the solution.“
Just last night, my roommate Brian and I were invited to the Her Campus formal by Lucy and her roommates, most of whom write for the paper. Looking back, attending the formal was an eye-opening experience. To our surprise, Brian and I were some of the only boys at the event, with most of the others being boyfriends who earned themselves the title ‘plus one’. For the two and a half hours we were there, however, I couldn’t help but notice the pure positivity in the atmosphere. With no sketchy individuals or drunken guys there to harass these girls or cause any discomfort, the night was marked by fully deserved happiness, smiles, and peace of mind. After I got home from the formal, I felt inspired to write this blog post, simply because I felt as though I had finally reached the point where I could speak on the matter.
I think that most men are good people. Not all men harass or assault women. Too many good men, however, are guilty of their ignorance and inaction. Too many good men cannot recognize when women are uncomfortable. Too many good men are unable to stand up for women in those difficult situations. Too many men witness these countless instances where women are harassed and ignore what has happened because they don’t know what to do. Too many good men who share these beliefs are afraid to advocate for women. Too many good men who do not contribute to the problem have done worse by not contributing to the solution.
“The topics of harassment and assault cannot be taboos and sore subjects anymore; They should inspire us as men to do our best and never settle for anything less than a society where women can feel free to walk alone at night, wear whatever they want, stand up for whatever they want, and to not feel compelled to share and check their locations with other women”.
Being against harassment and assault isn’t enough to achieve the change that must take place to change the status quo. Change begins by initiating difficult, open conversations with women and even other men. In my own experiences, my deep, honest talks with Magnolia or Lucy were the catalyst in helping me realize the magnitude of the situation. We also must continue to self-evaluate and assume responsibility for fostering an environment that expels negativity and help women. The topics of harassment and assault cannot be taboos and sore subjects anymore; They should inspire us as men to do our best and never settle for anything less than a society where women can feel free to walk alone at night, wear whatever they want, stand up for whatever they want, and to not feel compelled to share and check their locations with other women.
kyleneves.org 